Hanging on by a Thread of Definition
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Wednesday, November 3, 2004
And I must rant!
I am soooo perplexed, sooo hurt, and sooo angry!!! I dont understand why the nation cant see that love is love no matter what shape, color, or gender its in! Eleven out of eleven of the states proposed to accept gay marriages, banned it by perplexing percentage points! Yes, I am ranting over this b/c I truly feel like my rights are being held from me. I feel liked we're back in the 1960s and I'm nothing but a black woman who has to sit in the back of the bus. Why can I see my "straight" friends (nothing againsnt them) enjoy wedded bliss and for people such as Dani in my life (who is very in love with her fiancee) be denied to a legal marriage? Whats even worse is that civil unions are even being banned. Does it make sense for the word marriage to be thrown around and abused in the straight world; while dozens of hundreds of people who honestly yearn to get married in the homosexual world cant? I hate to bring this up...But was Britney's 55 hour marriage not a ridicule? I just makes me hurt inside to know that one day I will find that perfect partner and that I will not be able to read my vows to them. You might as well paint me black and put me in the 1960s for the next 4 yrs. I have hope, hope that in the future things will be different...but the question is how much longer do we have to wait, and why do we have to wait? Do people honestly believe that we deserve this? That we are evil? That I woke up this morning and decided to TRY this whole homosexual thing? NO..God made me this way damnit, and it takes a hell of a lot of risk to come out to your friends and family in fear of getting disowned. We are no lesser than our heterosexual friends, and we are no more than them either? So why the difference? We contribute equally to this nation, we put our lives in risk everyday in an poorly planned war, we love unconditionally everyday (something this world lacks) and yet we dont deserve our rights! Damnit! And just to top things off I not only can share my love with someone of my same gender, but I also cant save a child from moving from foster house to foster house by adopting them? Does that make sense? Should these children be treated like rag dolls when caring people are actually willingly to take them in and love every inch of them? It doesnt, and thats why I must rant! Just try to live in our shoes one day..Tell me if it makes sense! It just disgusts me!
Current mood:  irritated
Tuesday, November 2, 2004
Seems like this is kind of being passed around..so I will fulfill my turn! Its not like I dont have better things to do (like studying), I just dont want to!
ABOUT YOU
Your full name:: Jennifer Blanco
Age:: 21
Height:: 5' 1"
Natural hair color:: Black
Eye color:: Dark Brown
Number of siblings: Zippo! Just me!
Piercings:: Ears, cartlidge, and eyebrow!
Tattoos:: Zippo! Dont deal well with needles!
Braces:: Nope
DO YOU
Play an instrument?:: Hah! I dont have a musical bone in my body!
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?:: I wouldnt say so...about 25 sounds right though! Thats a full day of TV, thats sad!
Like to sing?:: yes, Especially in the car.
Have a job?:: Not during the school year, but if you work more than 80 hrs a week during the summer, I think that deserves a better title than "a job".
Like to play sports?:: I would love to. Can I? Thats a different story!
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?:: Not currently
Have a crush on someone?:: Yes sir!
Live somewhere NOT in the United States?:: Nope..but might in the future. Canada is giving me the itchies!
Have more than 5 TVs in your house?:: Nope
Have any special talents/skills?:: Thats for me to know, and for you to find out! **WINK**
Exercise daily?:: Im a slacker!
Like school?:: Indifferent! I just need that piece of paper telling me that I can do something!
HAVE YOU EVER
Snuck out of the house?:: Nope..Ive was always a good kid when I lived at home
Cried to get out of trouble?: I wasnt in trouble too often, so I dont think so
Gotten lost in your city?:: Sadly enough..I have in small little Gainesville a few years back!
Seen a shooting star?:: Yup, yup..and made a wish
Been to another country?:: Yes! And will be again in less than 3 weeks
Had a serious surgery?:: Nope...Been lucky!
Solved a Rubik's cube?:: Im a dummy!
Gone out in public in your pajamas?:: Its a college town..of course I have
Cried over a guy?:: Sadly enough, I have..quiet a few actually
Kissed a random stranger?:: Alcohol can do that to you
Hugged a random stranger?:: Yup! Hugs are nice
Been in a fist fight?:: I probably would be dead if I had, Im a weakling
Been arrested?:: Nope
Done drugs?:: Does weed count? Just once though
Had alcohol?:: Its like asking if I've had water! Of course!
Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?:: Yup...back in Elem school, it hurts!
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?:: Dont think so
Swore at your parents?:: Nope..but weve definitely screamed at each other before
Been to warped tour?:: Sorry
Kicked a guy where it hurts?:: Yes, but not on purpose!
Been in love?:: Yes
Been close to love?:: Yes
Been to a casino?:: Yup..and oddly enough my mom introduced me to it..but I'm not a risk taker
Ran over an animal?:: Id say more than a handful..Turtles, raccoons, a dog, and a few others. It happens out in the country!
Ever had stitches?:: Yup..at 4..I was pushed by a boy unto a sidewalk and cracked my chin
Had a water balloon fight in winter?:: Not in winter
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?:: Nope..but know a few ppl who barfed after they did
Made homemade muffins?:: :o) I like baking! Mufkies are my invention!
Bitten someone?:: What a turn on! Yes
Been to Disneyland/Disney World?:: Just once, for Grad Nite!
More than 5 times?:: Nope
Been to Niagra Falls?:: Maybe one day
Burped in someones face?:: I think it might have escaped me drunk a couple of times
Gotten the chicken pox?:: Im still a virgin in this dept
WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU
Brushed your teeth:: this morning
Went to the bathroom:: maybe 2 hrs ago
Saw a movie in theaters:: Hmmm..Even though I think movies are a complete rip off..It was about 3 wks ago..49th Ladder I believe
Read a book:: I dont enjoy reading
Had a snow day:: never seen it, so Never
Had a slumber party:: Never
Made fun of someone:: On a daily basis..its fun
Tripped in front of someone:: Havent fallen in quiet a few yrs, but tripped maybe about a month ago
Went to the grocery store:: whats that? Probably not in over 3 wks
Got sick:: During the summer
Cursed:: Probably sometime in the last 24 hrs
I....
am:: a lazy college student
want:: Kerry to be the next President
need:: to go put my clothes in the dryer
crave:: A good hug
love:: the perplexity of life
hate:: judgemental folk
did:: go to class today
feel:: sleepy
miss:: my father
am annoyed by:: hypocrites
would rather:: cuddle up with someone than have sex
ASSOCIATE THESE WORDS WITH SOMETHING
high:: low
skip:: class
dance:: rythme
lonely:: occasionally
flower:: daisies
psycho:: the movie
brain freeze:: pain
hot:: Angelina Jolie
LAST QUESTIONS
What shampoo do you use?:: sauve
When was the last time you did something sexual with the opposite sex?:: About 2 yrs ago
What kind of computer do you have?:: HP laptop
What grade are you in?:: hmm..I guess if you were to count college, 16th grade..Senior in college
Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?:: Nope..but with friends it can be fun
Or just make out?:: Its more of a HS thing..I did in the past
How many posters do you have in your room?:: maybe 6..i have other things other than posters on my wall
How many cds do you have?:: Dont own too many..perhaps 5
What time is it now?:: 1:30pm
Current mood:  dorky
All right, so I'm back! Havent updated this thing in over a week, and I am starting to feel like a slacker! Seems like I'm not the only one with this problem though!
Just a quick replay of the past week and just a few things that come to mind.
Left for Tallahassee on Tuesday just out of the blue. Felt like things were catching up with me in Gainesville, and even though I didnt do much there, just stayed with Brad, I felt a lot better when I came back. It's like I just needed a little bit of an escape. I just needed to see anything other than the 5 mile radius that I constantly travel in, or sleep on another bed that wasnt mine. It was neat, and I thank Brad for welcoming to his home in such a short notice. He is by far the kid that I know has the most gadjets, but he deserves them.
Came back on Wednesday and went to class. Nothing to interesting happened, other than the fact that a maggot went up my nose when I was running Wednesday night. Left a funny feeling in my nose! One more check on the bug list! :o) Kind of disgusting isnt it? While running though, I finally did decide what I wanted to be for Halloween. It just came to me. Charlie Chaplin!
Thursday night ended up going to a Halloween party dressed as Chaplin that wasnt too hot at all. Probably one of the worst ones I had been to. I felt bad for dragging Janet around. The sober people knew I was Chaplin, but the drunk ones swore I was Hitler. Not too flattering!
Friday I headed off to see Yuri whom I hadnt seen in over 6 months. It was definitely awesome. Its so akward how sometimes time means nothing when you know you have a really tight bond with someone. Something like having a soulmate. Seeing her and hanging out with her theres never a moment of akwardness, its like we've spent every day together. Also it doesnt matter how different how lives become, (Her getting engaged soon, and me being a lazy college kid), we have something that connects us so strongly that our friendship is flawless. Meeting her BF was awesome; and living the life of the rich of 2 full days was pretty awesome. Infinitis and Benz are pretty neat cars even though I think that no matter how rich I'll be one day, I dont think I can "waste" so much money on an object. Theres so many other more important and better things to do with it. But whatnot, to each their own. On Friday night we ended up going to a really nice Italin Restaurant...had more than a couple of drinks, but it was awesome to try a little bit of everything. The bartender mixed us something up that tasted like an Andes mint.. and that was pretty much my drink of the night. A few beers, vodka, and rum were also scattered in there! :o) I had never been to such a lil niche place, but if it were in Gainesville its definitely the place to romance a girl! :o) Ended up in a ot tub that night!
Saturday was just hanging out till the evening where we ended up at a corporate party and I took adavantge of the situation and dressed up like Charlie once again! :o) Got hit on majorly by a guy who I hope was drunk b/c he was convinced I was straight after my 5th time of me telling him that I wasnt. I think he just wanted to get in my pants so bad that he was determined to make me straight! He picked the dyke out of the crowd..a total loser even though it boasted my self-esteem! Point for Jen! Sunday was just slacking around and bringing back memories for me and Yuri..and then came back home! :o)
Liane called me Saturday night a lil drunk to tell me that she wasnt mad at me. I felt like I had fucked things over on Monday..but I guess I was wrong. Shes a great girl, but I just dont think right now is the time for an "us". The future is unpredicatable!
On a different note...Kyle and I are dating. I asked him out on Thursday (dressed as Charlie) and he said he would get back to me with an answer and so we have decided to take it slow. Yes, I am saying "he" and "him". I'm sorry if I freak anyone out by saying this but Kyle is Trans and to tell you the truth I really dont care what anyone thinks about that. I do have some questions and I guess I am curious about the whole situation, but he caught my eye and I decided to take the chance. Sunday we both decided we would take it slow and just hang out, and well see what happens. He's an awesome kid and quite mature for the simple fact that he has been through a lot at his young age of 18. Having conversations with him make me feel like I'm the immature one at times! I would normally not date anyone that young, but like I said, Kyle is not the typical 18 year old. We hung out last night, making the float for PSU, and he gives the nicest hugs I have received in a long time. I need to stop worrying though and just go with the flow. I dont want to fuck this one up so I keep worrying about messing up. I think I got a lil tramautized in my past relationships! But I need to get over it, b/c its annoying! Also I get really quiet and tongue tied around him which is totally not like me..its weird. Went up to his apartment last night for a lil bit and we just kicked back! It was cool..seeing him again Thursday at GGSA. I dont know why..but its sort of a turn on! Shush! We'll see where things go, but I want to avoid expectations!
One last note before I conclude this long journal! Go out and VOTE! today. I think its going to be a close call, and I'm looking forward to tonight...but I hope Kerry wins! We need some change in this country!
Current mood: dorky
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Current mood:  scared
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Seems like I'm the only dork constantly updating this thing! So today...Very Very Interesting day!
Friday...
Overslept and was 25 mintutes late meeting with Rau. We went through the same speal. Recruit, Recruit, Recruit! I know its the best thing for me, but damn I'm scared! Our meeting turned into 1.5 hrs and it was pretty cool to talk to Rau! The Fall seminar was the exact replica of last year, so it wasnt too much of a big deal, even though I enjoyed being able to catch up with so many book people that I hadnt talked to in a while. Got to know a bit of the rookies as more than first years, and overall it was a seminar. Rau went over some interesting financial information that I think I'll take to heart. I'm thinking about Roth IRA ($3000) and TBills ($2500). I think that would be a smart move. A few of us went over to Gator Dockside later that night and just hung out. I wish some of these Noles had actually come to UF cause they are totally awesome, but oh well. My mom arrived in town last night about 10pm. Friday wasnt much more than book talk.
Saturday...
Talk about a freaking rollercoaster. Up since 9am. The Awards Banquet was awesome. I have to say that I am very proud of my summer even though none of the people I recruited were there. So basically I can sell books and grow, but my recruiting sucks! Rau says that I need to be able to mold myself around the people I am with and that way I can understand them better. Makes perfect sense. Most things are logical, its actually doing them that sucks. I got a few awards, but none more valuable than Father's Day. Since my first summer I have given it my all to have my best week in sales during Father's week. As we all know my father passed away 3 yrs ago so this award to me means the world. Its a tangible symbol of how much I love my dad and how much he impacted me and taught me in our short time together. Presenting it and talking about my dad wasnt easy, but yet again its not supossed to be, and I was able to present a symbol of appreciation to my recruiter and friend, Michael Yandre. I had a nice warm feeling when the banquet was over. Reinforced the fact that I know I need to recruit. I need to give someone else the opportunity to feel the way I felt today. I need to truly care about touching someone's live; and its all about taking the back seat and actually caring. Mom hung around for a bit so we went to dinner later on. It had been about 6 months since my last Cracker Barrel experience, so it was nice. Loking for something to do tonight I stumbled across Greg's party, but before that happened Elizabeth and I went to shoot some pool. Of course she beat me, no big deal, everyone does. For some reason I keep playing though. Then it was time for Gopman's party. It was awesome to see people there that I hadnt seen since the summer. Everyone seemed to be having fun. Jeese and I cuddled a little bit on the couch and I have to say that if it weren't for a certain call, we might have kissed. Jeese is an awesome guy, but unfortunately I cant do anything about it, and I dont want to use him for cuddling. So that was a bad setup as it was. Then my phone rang and guess who it was. Liane at 2am, drunk! Woohoo!!!! We had a normal convo. She always makes me smile! I told her that she was HOT, she laughed and called me sweetie through the whole convo, telling me that I'm a lot of fun! Shes awesome. Time will tell. Well..as soon as I hang up, theres a knock at the door. And then it happened, the cops came in and told us to all take out our IDs. I have no problem with this since I turned 21 about 2 months ago, but there was plenty of underage drinking going on. So the 21 and over are seperated from those under. Their IDs were taken, but after certain words from the cops, it was over for them. But it wasnt over that quick... Cops decided to search the house and found 3 minors in the bathroom, and a bathroom door that they didnt want to open. Did they think that the cops are going to give up or that they would disappear into thin air? After picking a lock, three people were put in handcuffs! One of the is freaking out; but eventually they were let go. They were sooo stupid! Its like running away from the cops! It never works! But These cops were nice! Then since I was pretty much the only sober one, and we had to leave, I drove a couple of them around until we were sure the cops had left. Went back and a couple of people stayed and slept at Greg's place. BTW..Guys are assholes! "I'll take one for the team!" YUCK! No wonder Im a dyke! Came home and got a call from Brad Futia on his way back to FSU. We talked all the way there, and finally I went to sleep at 5am. He's such a great guy! We need to hang out more often!
Sunday...
Not much went on. Got up after 7 hours of sleep and went to lunch with Jen's parents! They're awesome people! Came home and fell asleep through a movie. Woke up, talked to Janet on the phone for 2 hours. Shes a pretty cool chick! Then went to dinner with my ex. We just hung out at Moes and ate some chips and queso. Nothing too special. Shes taking her GRE today, so she just needed to get out. We caught up. I think about it sometimes and I cant believe we were together for that long. Then we went back to her place and I stumbled across all the letters and cards I had written to her in our 2 month relationship. I wanted to puke! They reinforced my thought that I really have to be friends with someone before we can take it to the next level. I cant believe I uttered those 3 words to her at some point in our relationship! I never felt them, or anything close to it! So they just made me realize a couple of things about myself, and how I need to be more patient to find "the right" one! She was having a buddy go over, so I left. Came home and after some South Park, passed out with a strong feeling that I want to cuddle!!!! 8 months of no affection, its getting to me!!!!
And that was my weekend! Hope Dani is having fun in Ohio with Sarah!
Current mood:  happy
Friday, October 22, 2004
Howdy! As I continue with my livejournal addiction, I am sure I am boring some of you. I was thinking back on my freshman year today and it amazed me how much of a different outlook on life I used to have. It was the no drinking, no sex, and just studying mindset. Anything outside of studying and going to bed at 10pm was out of the norm and "wrong". Boy have things changed! I've become a lot more openminded, even though I have to say that I am still pretty conservtive on certain issues. But the reason I bring this up is because today I had the courage to get it done. To make a hole in my eyebrow, which when you really do think about it is kind of disgusting and creepy. The fact that under tissue this eyebrow piercing is brushing agaisnt my skull. When you really think about it the human body is a work of art; but yet so creepy. To those of you who didnt know, I had my eyebrow pierced before but it grew out. That was almost 2 yrs ago and since then I have wanted to get it done again, but I have always found a reason not to do it. It's not painful, I just hate needles. The down side to this is that my mom is coming up tomorrow and I am seeing a couple of relatives I havent seen in years who are really religious and conservative. But things will be fine! This doesnt change the person I am deep inside! I just wish everyone would realize that. It looks a little painful, and it wont be fun when I have to twist it tomorrow, but nonetheless I am excited I got it done.
So today was pretty much a low stress day. After 3 days of cramming, which I wasnt too constructive at, I decided I needed to do nothing for a while. Jen decided to get a haircut, which was definitely a change, but looks pretty awesome. It fits her well. While waiting for the appointment we stumbbled downtown and were tackled by someone telling us about the early voting going on. So we decided to be constructive citizens and vote for the "right choice". Thats right, Kerry!!! I'm registered as a Republican but I couldnt bring myself to vote for Bush! Thats not insane but also unfortunate to leave the country up to this redicule of a man for another 4 yrs and having an unvoluntary army (I mean NOT having)!!!! That was my first time voting, it was pretty cool, and for some reason it seemed a lot simpler than I had thought. How can people get confused with the process and make the whole thing so hard?
So I feel really crappy about something! Tonight, I was hanging out with Jen and Dahnell, watching a movie, when the phone rang. I totally ditched them and I feel really crappy about that. Totally not what a good friend should do, especially since I dont see Dahnell all that much! I'm really sorry guys! Will you forgive me? What bothers me is that I traded the time with them, for something and someone that could have totally waited! I feel like such an ass!
So the book talk starts tomorrow. Two days full of book adventures. Meeting with Rau in about 8 hours and I am definitely not excited about that. There are a few people that I could have invited to the meeting tomorrow but I just didnt even want to ask. Like I'm doing everything I possibly can not to start this vicious cycle all over again! Talked to Liane today, it was nice!
Current mood:  crappy
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
So hell is finally over, but I just dont know how I quite survived it. We'll see how effective cramming actually is. But its over and I am glad it is! This would be soooo much easier if I would be satisfied being a "B" student; but for some reason I always want to be better than average. I think my parents brainwashed me. Rau is right behind my ass again. I dont want to think about recruiting, even though I dont want to let him down. I think he expects great things from me, but I just dont want to do it! This is just madness! Even though I hate saying this...Bookselling is just so much easier! Recruiting SUCKS! I didnt have a pleasant experience or outcome doing the latter. Its going to be hard to get into that mindset again!
So I finally had a couple of journal entries that have nothing to do with her, and here it jumps up right at me again. Well..it happened today. Liane called, and it was totally unexpected. Last Saturday we had come to the conclusion that she didnt have time for a relationship in her life and that we would keep on talking, as friends of course. I told her that I would call, but I didnt think we would talk for a week at least. Well..she called today and told me that she had been waiting for my call and that I totally let her down by not having the courage to call her. Its just been four days! Hmm..I dont know! I do text her everyday, but she says that that doesnt count. Liane is an awesome person, someone I totally click with, and someone that I can be myself around. I would love to be her friend, even though I dont know how that would work since there is over a hundred miles between us. She told me that she feels better by talking to me, and I have to agree. It's like a stress free moment, its kind of cool. Here's the deal..I still totally have a crush on this girl. I mean who wouldnt?, she awesome. My coping mechanism too often is to just shut doors, avoid the situation. So I came to the conclusion that I would just let her go and that slowly my feelings will become none. Since I hadnt heard from her in 4 days, I wasn't thinking of her quite as much, it was pleasant. But now my heart feels again. As soon as her voice answered my Hello, it was all back. It sucks. So I want to stay her friend. Who knows what might someday happen. So I know I shouldnt close the door on her, but I shouldnt be hopeful either. In life anything can happen; and even though sometimes things are not meant to be at one point, it doesnt mean that they are never meant to be. I just need to step back, let these feelings disappear and just think of her as a friend. It's what is reasonable. This would be soooo much easier if I had someone else to focus on. Maybe I am missing those right under my nose because I am looking up to her so much! My emotions are the last thing I have control of, but I cant continue losing battles because of them. Logic: Remain as awesome friends and continue with life, neither hoping or wishing. I talk about this girl way too much.
Wonder what tomorrow holds....
Current mood:  weird
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Taking a test in an hour; decided to write in here to unwind a bit before my head explodes. I think it will go well even though last night's test was harder than expected. I think some of the questions might get appealed so I dont know what my final score will be. Regardless right now I have a B+ in that class if none of the questions would be appealed; and I can always drop that test. Since this was the harder of the four tests, my goal is to just get a 30 out of 32 in the next test and that way I'll get an A without taking the final. **Crossing Fingers** I got my score back for my Drug and Alcohol test though and to my surprise I totally aced that. I'm still a lil iffy on the paper, but since I cant take it S/U anymore, I might as well stick with it and get an A in the class. It would be a total dissapointment if I didnt.
I was thinking about this weekend as it quickly approaches. Theres so much crap I have to put away. My mom and family are coming up and theres no way I want them to see it all my pride stuff. I think she knows, actually I am pretty sure she knows, but I dont want to rub it in her face. So I will pretend to be as straight as I can be for the 48 hrs that they will be here, and then resume my life. Even though I shouldnt feel this way, because in no way am I ashamed of who I am, I just dont want to hurt her by her seeing pride colors every direction she turns. Then I kind of got excited thinking about the awards ceremony, considering I had a pretty decent summer. A lil nervous about the speeches. I dont do public speaking too well; but I have to do it for my dad and mom. PSU is going to Halloween Horror Nights and that would be awesome. Nothing better than sticking 50 gay people in a haunted house, but I am afraid I will not be able to make it. What I am not looking forward to at all, oddly enough, is meeting up with Rau and the whole recruiting/book talk. Damn it! My summer just ended less than 2 months ago, and yet I feel like I'm trapped. Recruiting season is less than 3 months away!!!! Dont want to do it; but I know my ass will be at GRS! Nonetheless, I hope it goes well.
But for now I must walk over to the designed test site and sit down with dreaded Managerial Accounting for the next 2 hrs. Wish me luck! I might need it!
Current mood: nerdy
Monday, October 18, 2004
So Im currently sitting in the CSE library. Coming here for the purpose of studying, yet I find myself updating. It feels like its been a long time since I last updated, but it truly hasnt. It's just all the emotions my heart has felt in the span of the last 72 hours. I have a test in about 5 hrs, one in about 29, and the other in 53. Yet I am not stressed out like I should be.
Soo..*sigh*. Met Liane, she was everything that I thought and more. Knocking on her door, waiting for it to open, I thought my heart was going to jump outside of my body. We had an awesome time. As planned we went to the Cheesecake factory which she paid for (totally not the norm). Walked around a bit and then ended up at her place watching a movie. I didnt quite know what she was going to do, so I sat on the couch and to my surprise she sat next to me. We decided to watch GI Jane. About an hour in the movie, and a lot of flirting (or so I thought) I made the move. I grabbed her hand and to my surprise she squeezed it. My heart jumped up again. Totally what I wanted. As the movie ended she asked me to stay the night because she didnt want me driving back home that late, but I told her I should go. I did, and we ended the night we a warm hug and an awesome statement. "We should do this sometime again." Hope was settling in..she was feeling the same way. It went as well as I had hoped. I didnt want anything more or less. Well..Liane is now out of my life as a potential partner. Yup..we talked Saturday night. I think she's just extremely friendly and doesnt want to let me down. Simply put, she just told me that she didnt have enough time in her life to make me part of it! Damn It! So I finally find someone I am attracted to, she shares the same feelings, and there I go down heartache lane again. So..I was wrong, she isnt the one (for not or ever), or perhaps I am not worthy. Yet I look myself in the mirror and I see so many things that other people miss. Why cant people see the beauty I see in myself? It just doesnt make much sense. So, I will keep strolling through life. The online thing isnt my friend anymore, the one girl I had my eye on in Gainesville I just found out is too immature for me (age 18), and so I end up alone and hopeless again. I totally just think I should put all the energy I devote to this into another cause; but I am just so hung up on it. So, I havent talked to Liane since Saturday night. I will give her a call every once in a while and text her just to let her know that I am interested in being her friend; I just dont want to hurt as I do so. So..somewhere out there in a special place, time, and day the special someone is still waiting for me. I have faith because that is all I can afford right now!
So..I will hurry back to the books and hope everything goes as well as I hope tonight. I'm sorry for the long entries guys but these are my thoughts!
As a side note...Favorite song at the present. Coupled with loud voulme and singing equals great stress reliever!
My Happy Ending..Avril Lavigne
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
I unfortunately feel this way in my life all too often nowadays. Not only about my situation, or past relationships, but just about everything in my life! With this I leave you, my dear journal!
Current mood:  peaceful
Friday, October 15, 2004
So...I'm a girl, and a very confused one at that, as most of you guys can figure out from my journals. So of course what I decide to do it get involved with the female species which is the most confusing of them all. I can totally see how men feel. So why am I bringing this up? I'm sure you guys who really know me, know what I'm talking about. It's about her, and I want to play it safe and just let a piece of how I feel about her die before I even get started! So..I gave her a ring tonight. As soon as she answers I know that she is "iffy" on meeting me. She's just nervous, not about me, but about the situation. She's never done this before and she never thought talking to me might lead to this. She just feels we are moving too fast; but she also sees my point where I just want to see who she is and move from there. I dont want to keep crushing on someone and become emotionally vulnerable without seeing if its worth it. As weird as that sounds. So we're still meeting. I'm still excited about that; but the problem are all these mixed feelings. I totally understand that I am going to need excessive patience for her, but for some odd reason I feel that she is well worth it. What I dont need to have is more confusion in my life..I have enough of that just dealing with myself. Right now it doesnt bother me, because we havent even met. Just to throw out a random situtation I asked her what we were doing afterward and she said anything BUT a movie, and that we would do that some other time. That gives me hope that she feels the same way and whats to keep hanging out. Then before we hung up.. the sour taste in my mouth was that she wanted to be serious. She told me that she doesnt want to hurt me but that if "nothing" were to happen, that she hopes we could still be friends. That she doesnt want to be pressured into anything! I hope I dont pressure her, but I am going into this with different emotions. I am not going into this hopeful or excited...I am going into this thinking we will just be friends! I think its the safest bet. I also dont plan on making the first move which I usually do. It doesnt mean that I dont want it to happen, but I dont expect anything and dont want to go into her personal space if she doesnt want me there. It'll be a lil weird but I'll just try and be myself. So tomorrow I will probably be feeling a wide spectrum of emotions. We'll see what happens...but for some reason I am not that hopeful anymore. Dani told me that a person's feelings can change quickly..I dont know. I also cant go into this with a negative outlook because I am kicking myself in the ass without giving it a try. I know myself too well and I know that doing that I would blame myself and later regret it. Time will tell though, and tomorrow is the moment of truth.
So..I'll get up..try and focus on doing some constructive studying...head to Tampa about 5pm...Get there aboout 7pm...Go to dinner..Followed by something of her choice...and then...Who knows? I will just try and be myself and go into it thinking that nothing will happen, so when it does my heart skips a beat!
Current mood:  confused
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
How are we all doing? All right, so since I cant get an answer I'll go ahead and write about my life in the past two days.
Last night I got a not so nice call. Earlier this semester, after coming back from a kick butt summer and $16,000 richer, I lent my mom $2500 and gave her an additional $1000 as a gift. The $2500 were originally to cover a DUI her dear boyfriend, soon to be husband, got himself into. The plan was to pay me back on a monthly basis $200. I had no problem with this, until she called me last night and asked me to give her the $2500 as a gift. To just let it slide because after 24 yrs of being in the US she wants to be a proud owner of a home. She tried to sell me in on the idea by telling me that this house would be mine and hers since my name would be on the property. The problem is that I am never going back to Miami, never going back home! So she told me to just think of it as an investment, and since property value goes up, that the $2500 will be a lot more one day. Here's the deal..and youre probably wondering why I'm fussing soooo much over $2500. The thing is that I totally depend on me for everything. My mom still claims me, but she doesnt pay for much, if anything. I realize that I need to take care of myself, but am I not too wrong to start taking care of my mother as well? Isn't that one of the benefits of having a partner, for financial support? My problem is that next year I will not have any financial aid. Bookselling will be my only form of income, the only way I can start a life of my own. I will not go back home with my mother. Therefore I'm not thinking about this house's profit in 15 yrs, I'm thinking about the fact that I have been spoiled since I got to college, but that unfortunately in about 11 months I, me, and myself will be the person who has to support myself fully. I cant rely on the government or my mom. So...I gave her the $2500. I told her to keep them, that I didnt want to talk about the issue anymore. But I also told her that next summer when I come back home with my bigger and fatter check, that I can't give her anymore money. I feel somehow guilty since she has supported me my whole life, but I think I am too young to be put in a position where she is depending on me for financial support.
On another issue....I am SOOOOO Excited! Her and I are finally meeting on Friday! She's nervous, anxious, self concious, etc. all in one. I cant deny it, I feel the same way. Crossing my fingers that this works out and that we have an awesome night; and hoping she doesnt bail. Shes just such a wonderful girl; I hope I feel the same way when we meet face to face. Last night we didnt talk because she fell asleep, but talking to her tonight made me feel that she shares a lot of the feelings I am experiencing right now. I havent had butterflies in a while, largely because I havent felt like I had a connection with anyone I have met lately. Therefore there was nothing to fear or be afraid of. It's all settled in right now though. I figure since I'm crushing so bad I have to do this though. Have to figure out if I should continue on my crushing ways or let it all go. The moment of truth will be Friday. So we havent gone through any of the details yet except for the fact that I am driving to her. I am also paying for dinner because I want it that way. I have a little trick up my sleeve. My plan is to pick her up and head over to the Cheesecake Factory which she hasnt been to in a while and is one of her favorite places. I will not let her know any of this though. I'm quite hyped; and yet nervous!
Tomorrow is a new day! I have an exam I hope goes all right. This Drug and Alcohol Abuse class is a little more involved than I thought it would be. It catches my attention, but I think she expects too much from us it being a 2 credit, elective class. We shall see how it goes. I sat through a 3.5 hr review today..it actually wasnt bad at all. I have another one tomorrow. Managerial Accounting! YUCK! But I am soooo looking forward to Friday! **Crossing Fingers**
Current mood:  anxious
Monday, October 11, 2004
Back again! Writing this journal I come across totally different feelings than I would have if I had written it about an hour ago. Jen I have to say, even though sometimes we have our differences and weird moments, is one wise owl. One who I am extremely lucky to have in my life because she brings me back to normalcy. So the deal...always has to do with GIRLS! Ive never been one to experience much of an emotional rollercoaster when it comes to things in my life expect for that one subject. To make it broader its just the subject of humans and my connection and relationship with them. Ive always believed that the time to completion of a job and the time you put into it are inversely related; except when it comes to people. I am one that likes to see results, but with people patience is definitely a virtue, and that is what I need to exercise. All right, so where am I trying to get to?
Heres the deal..it's **sigh** Her. We had an amazing 3.5 hour conversation last night. This girl is totally awesome and shes also attractive. Shes funny, smart, personable, just pretty cool; and we all know I like her. She's lead me on to believe the same; which I have to say I am excited about. We also all know that I like a challenge, so of course shes not an easy one. By far she is one of the busiest people I know, but she enjoys her life that way and the fact that she is extremely goal oriented rates high on my list. The problem..I am one to want to spend a lot of time with someone, one that becomes clingy. Solution: Growth! My heart is so dead set on this one, so dead set that this is something that can truly work out and something that I can grow through. The thing is making the decision that things in the past havent exactly been healthy and that I need to grow up. The fact that its not the quantity but the quality; and I can so totally see that in her. Some people might think I am insane trying to examine this all so much, maybe even herself, and that is one of my problems. I just need to be a "hippie" and let things go with the flow even though I hate losing control. I'm just going to have to be patient. I do have to say that I am scared shitless of getting hurt again, scared of the fact that I give too much too soon and usually when I do I fall really hard. I need to be mature when it comes to this one because I think it'll be whats beneficial for me and for 'us'. I need to grow up! So I will exercise patience. For once I will think about delayed gratification, I will not act on emotion. For once I will let things go with the flow, I will let God do His work. For once I will make the decision to grow. I might risk getting hurt again, but I cant risk not growing, and we all know that growth hurts. But do I want to stop myself from this pain now to probably feel more later? I think not! I will not act on instant gratification. I feel like I have all the tools, now I just need to learn how to use them correctly to make the right foundation. It's about quality and not quantity!
Today was National Coming Out Day. It went pretty well even though I wish we had had a higher turnout. I did realize though that I am much more of an educator than I am of an activist. Everyone is entititled to their own opinions as prejudice and ignorant as they might be. Its just sad to see how much hate there is still going on in the world. How homosexuality is seen so much as a circus act. How people frown upon it even though all it is is love shared between two people. God made me human before he made me a girl; and humans are entitled to love each other. I walk across campus nowadays declaring myself as a tie-wearing dyke; I am not ashamed of it. It's funny and yet sad to see all the weird looks I get, like if I was a circus act. If I walked around campus in my old tshirts and jeans, hanging on to a boy, no one would do any double takes. I get them all the time now. The sad thing though is that sometimes they hurt and I dont want "negative" attention brought on to me. So today, as everyday, I was wearing a tie. I had an oral presentation and not wanting to make my peers feel uncomfortable esp those in my group, I took the tie and gay pride pin off. I shouldnt have to do that! I am damn proud of who I am! I am a lot of different things, I just so happen to be gay as well. Whats even sadder is the fact that even judgment is passed upon us even within the gay community. We dont want to be discriminated, even though we can do our own share. We discriminate towards straight people not really welcoming them to our gay clubs; and we are constantly putting people in boxes with labels such as "butch" and "femme" always expecting there to be one of each in a relationship. Will we ever be equal? Is that what we want?, or do we just want our right but want to be in our own little "gay" world? Does that make much sense? Nonetheless, it is just sad to realize all these things and notice that you yourself do a lot of these things causing seperation between people. Not really willingly but not stopping it either. Those are my thoughts on that...
Tomorrow we'll see what the world has in store for me! We'll see what lessons will be taught and who will come into my life!
Good night world; Hello Sweet dreams!!! :o):o):o)
Current mood:  thoughtful
Sunday, October 10, 2004
So I will attempt this whole updating thing again! I updated last night and as soon as I was going to post the computer went whack and it got erased. Talk about it sucking. Yesterday was an interesting day..somehow renforced my belief that people should follow their hearts. Gut instinct is a lot better than thought at times.
Called Steve and we hung out for a bit. He's a pretty cool guy. Laura (one of the girls I have met online) and I had plans which I postponed until 7pm. Steve and I ended up watching "Saved" which was a corny movie with an interesting twist. We also got some Moes to keep things interesting; so now I have another Moes buddy. This is great; for those who dont know, I am addicted to that place. About 7pm I headed on my way to Jax to meet Laura. It went as well as I expected. There wasnt much convo and she's hung up on someone, so I knew it wasnt going to go much past being friends. I cant talk because I am on the same boat. The way there wasnt too bad since I was on the phone most of the time; way back was a different story. I went 30 mins South on I-95 when I should have been going North. It made sense in my head. Oh well, I quickly decided I needed some kind of a quick fix; so I drank half a gallon of coke! Its sickening now that I think about it; no one should ever have 64oz of coke in one sitting. Thats more than 5 cans! Well..it got me home about 2am which is all that matters. Laura and I ended up watching Resident Evil, wouldnt have been my pick since I dont like action too much, but it was a good movie. Got her something to drink; overall it was a good time, even though I have to say that nothing bothers me more than someone who doesnt show appreciation. Unfortunately Laura is broke so I was the bitch for the night, and never got a thank you! I need to permanently take Jax off my list. Also made me realize that next time I drive, I better be pretty damn sure I want to meet this person. Then again I had no hopes for this one; it was a given friendship from the beginning; so I only have myself to blame!
So...**SIGH**...Stupid me! On my way to Jax the lucky person I was with on the phone was Her. That's right I was talking to one on the phone and driving to another one. I dont know..my heart and mind are in such a struggle right now. They are playing tug of war and they are definitely neck and neck. I just feel so comfortable talking to her on the phone, its hard not to be interested. She just seems like such a sweetheart and shes attractive as well! LONG red hair with amazing eyes! :o) Problem: I havent met her and I dont know how she feels. Also I dont want to fall too hard or too quick. I need to stay level. So the plan is to wait it out and see what happens. Jen tells me to risk it, says theres no such thing as success without risk, which is true. Others tell me to not even give it a second thought, that a long distance relationship would not work out. Then again I am not even thinking about a relationship right now, I just want to meet and see where it goes. I told her I was interested last night, decided to take a risk. Risk if a funny thing, it either brings you happiness or misery. This one just feels different, its genuinely the first girl I have crushed on in a while and it has nothing to do with the fact that I have been single for 7 months. Max told me to wait it out and see if she IMs me or calls me. I think thats the next logical step. I will not get hurt again; I will not jump into this! I just need to stop crushing! Grrr...
Today I havent done much of anything! There I go with my slacking off ways. I have an oral presentation tomorrow which I am somewhat ready for, but I dont think it'll be too bad. Tomorrow is also National Coming Out Day so I plan on being on campus most of the day. I really hope we touch someone people and that everything goes according to plan. I also got an awesome massage from Corinne. A Free one too. I hate losing control, but it was sooo relaxing. That girl has got skill! She's pretty cool! Talked to Yuri on the phone for a while, I really miss her!
So all in all this weekend wasnt bad at all. It went by way too quick! I've fallen into a predicament, so I dont know. Hope she doesnt think I am crazy! Next weekend..different story...I have 3 tests back to back to back on the 18th, 19, and 20th. Lord help me!
:o) :o) :o)
Current mood: curious
Saturday, October 9, 2004
Gosh its been a fun filled day. The last few hours have gone by soooo fast, probably because I've had a lot of fun and surprisingly enough without a taste of alcohol. It was sort of fun being the DD and watching others tumble like I did the week before. NO drama this time though, which I am sure made it better! Julia and I met today; we went to Chilis. I had already had lunch so I ended up having ice cream which she treated me to. She's a cool chick and we even hung out at night at the club for a bit. It's nice making new friends; I dont see that going anywhere else. Also I have plans with Laura tomorrow, but that means a drive to Jax which I am not completely sure about, so I dont know.
Then...**sigh**
I got a very very nice and surprising phone call today. One which unfortunately brought my hopes up, one which is so pathetic that people might laugh at me. But this is my life and my journal so I will divulge. I met her about a month ago online. We had a couple of awesome conversations that one day; I felt so comfortable talking to her like if she was a long lost best friend. It's truly weird, most of my online conversations deal with the same stuff, not this one. I sensed a connection. A couple of days later we had another pretty awesome one; so I decided to give her my number. Hoping she would call but knowing that chances were slim. So time went by, She is probably one of the busiest people I know; and thats why I gave up hope. So...we caught each other online today, its like our weekly Friday thing, and she asked me for my phone number. I gave it to her not expecting anything; an hour later my phone is called by a random stranger, or so I thought. It was her..and it all sounds so sappy. So, yes I've thought a few girls were interesting lately; but it's nothing like this one. This feels genuine for me; and it might all seem really strange considering Ive never met her. In fact if she is reading this, I wouldnt think twice before deciding I was crazy or creepy. Take your pick. I dont know..I've just been holding this in because I'm afraid it'll come across as her being one of the "others" or I might even jinx it. I hate getting my hopes up for nothing but to be dashed. Shut Up Jen! It's all like a grade school crush; and I also have people advising me against it...so I dont know!
The party was quiet fun. Fags can be sooo much fun; and really affectionate. Something I miss. I kind of hung out with the dykes most of the night. Hanging out with Jessann as a friend is way better than I ever thought it would be; and I'm glad she feels the same way. Talked to a lot of people tonight that I am glad I got to know. Got Steve's number so him and I have to totally hang out. Anyone see anything wrong with this picture? I'm around the guys too much; and the girls are MIA. Hmm.. But I finally took Max, Kip, Pepin, and Danny home. Dont quiet know how they all fit in my car; but what matters is that they all got home safe! :o) So It's definitely getting pretty late; so I'm going to say "Nite" and go cuddle! :o) If I'm lucky I'll have some of those nice wet dreams! :o) J/K
Current mood: cheerful
Friday, October 8, 2004
I dont know how much of this I can take anymore. I've been "happy" for the last 3 weeks; trying to love each bit of life; trying to look at all the things I have going for me. I have a great GPA, an awesome successful future, awesome achievements, great friends, a mother that loves me unconditionally, and my health. Things so many people cant enjoy, and Im taking for granted. Yet theres a big piece missing, a piece of my heart. I believe I have a lot going for me, but why cant anyone else see it? I know..same old shit! Trust me, I am tried of talking and thinking about it as well. To tell you the truth, you guys dont have to read this, but unfortunately I have to write about it. I need an outlet. So getting laid is an option; but not the road I want to take. I kind of look around me and see all these people who have had their "wild times" and in a weird way I crave that. I dont have those kind of stories, I've always been a pretty wholesome kid. My "wild stories" would all have to do with alcohol and even then the worst thing I have ever done is given a stranger a blow job! ONCE! It's really not that exciting; but just really disgusting now that I think back on it. YUCK! So since getting laid isnt my route of choice, what I truly want is just someone to hold on to, someone that I can make happy, like I hope I have done in the past. Unfortunately reading Nicole's journals made me feel like the worst girlfriend in the world, like I had no purpose. My immaturity shown through, my overbearingness. Seems like I added more pain than happiness at times. Yet I believe I deserve it because I know myself well enough that I know I am none of that; just that she wasnt the right one for me. The person that was with Nicole and Jessann is not the person I am today; and I know there's this one girl out there, one who we will truly appreciate each other for, one who we will understand and laugh together! This is not about me, this is about "US". Problem is that there is no "US". Shes out there but Who is she though, and why arent we ready for each other? The other thing that bugs me is Amy. Funny how life works! Amy is nothing like me; but yet she looked so hot! Even though I know some not so pleasant things...It's like you want that one thing you cant seem to have; but the thing is that you know deep inside shes just bad for you. That she'll just make you sick; but somehow all the times it can make you laugh suddenly seep into your mind. It's not like you want her; you just want the feelings that are associated with it. It seems to be in everything I am involved with lately, and when it's not I seek it. I just hate this feeling, and I'm thinking it wont go away till I find a good one. Time is all I need..I just wish I could shut my mind off.
Other than that I had a lot of fun tonight! Went to GGSA meeting, I really hope a lot of the things we have planned out do take place, and that it does affect a few lives. As you know Oct 11th is National Coming Out Day. Then went to shoot pool with Dani, even though there were a few episodes, I did have a pretty good time. The pool skills have definitely improved which is quiet surprising. Smoked too much, and definitely shouldnt have had alcohol. But guess what, I didnt have a summer, so know I'm just letting loose and theres nothing wrong with that. I do have to thank Dani for a good night. She's a way cool person, her sappiness on the phone with Sarah sometime just kills me though. Just makes me remember how much I miss it all. I feel soooo jaded at times; but thats just not me. Unfortunately I'm one of the most thoughtful, romantic, and sappy people I know; and it SUCKS! Just trying to be a real gentleman. So I'm home now..I got a nice welcoming by Jen with her "You look like a clown". There goes my self esteem...down one notch. Did I look like a clown? Now I'm becoming self concious. Someone please tell me, b/c I enjoy wearing ties. She's leaving for the next 3 days which doesnt make it any better on me; not the fact that she is leaving, but the fact that I am fucking jealous! She's going to go see her BF! BTW...Guys suck! Tomorrow hopefully hanging out with Max followed up by a party I'm not too entirely sure I want to go to, but I have a feeling I'll end up there! Hmm.. Just dont think Jen!
Current mood: by self
Tuesday, October 5, 2004
Depression has suddenly hit me again. I hate being at this state. About 3 weeks ago I went through a really low point with excessive drinking while I was alone. After a conversation with Jen things got way better and I decided that I needed to do some soul searching b/c at the age of 21 I realized I didnt know who I was. I came up with a few things, one of them being the fact that I needed to be a lot more active with my sexuality issues. I have done so, and I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin. I'm met a lot more people "like me" and made a lot more friends. Overall my life is just richer and better; but the same thing seems to strike again. Everyone knows the story, cause its the same fucking one. I realized about 3 weeks ago that the reason I search for relationships is to live happiness through other people. I dont need that; and I shouldnt use people for that. They dont deserve it! I realize I can completely be happy with who I am. I am truly an awesome person; what bothers me is how I see other people's puzzle pieces fitting a lot better. I am pretty fine single, but theres something in my life missing! I love to share with others; and I just feel like I am ready to make someone else really happy. I hate myself for searching up and down, inside and out; I know the "right" person will step up to plate when I least expect it. It's always happened that way. The part that sucks is the waiting around. I completely hate it. I know there are definitely quite a few college kids and humans experiencing the same feelings I am, but I am jealous of those that seem to find it so easily and I start to question; why not me? Am I not worthy. I know I have some awesome traits, things which make me truly special; so whats the problem? I feel like I need to fill in the missing piece! Grrr... I feel like I am ready to hand my heart away. Yes, I'm scared shitless because true love is all about a mixture of risk and trust; but I am willing to take the step. I thought I found the right one once upon a time; but looking back on it even though I was happy, it wasnt the perfct situation. It wasnt the one that fits like a glove; but Ive gotten a taste of it, which is what sucks. When you dont know what youre missing, much like sex, you dont crave it as bad. My experiences have made me wiser; I have more of an idea on what works and what doesnt. I have a better idea of what makes me happy and what doesnt; I have an idea of what I am willing to compromise on and what I am not. The problem: The missing piece! Funny thing about life..I can wake up tomorrow and this thing all be a thing of the past, but the chances are that it probably wont work that way. I believe in destiny; I know theres a "set" date, time, place, and person. I guess I am just not ready to meet her. My want doesnt go hand in hand with God's plans. I dont know what to think anymore, and I know I sound pathetic. Writing about it actually makes me feel better though! I dont know...Should I keep trying; or just quit and give in to destiny and its plan? I'm just one of those people that works for things and the more dedicated I am to something, the more skillful I become and the closer I know I am to completing my task. Unfortunately I have to realize that love is not something you work for, its not a job, its something youre blessed by. Am I worthy?
Current mood:  lonely
Sunday, October 3, 2004
So the weekend is almost over and it sucks! Ive definitely had an interesting weekend. Its broken the rut of staying home and feeling sorry for myself. I still have a ton of Homework that needs to be done, and actually, as I am writing this, I am "watching" lecture. Where the heck has the studious kid I used to be freshman year gone. I need to find her.
All right...Friday night was nothing too special. Got to spend some time with my favorite Dahnell. Went to Marie's bday dinner. God, greg can talk shit1 Im not exactly looking forward to working under him next year. I have put as much effort into this book thing than he has, unfortunately he's been more successful, and therefore I am "under' him, and God it sucks. He also likes rubbing it in people's faces even though he pretende like he's not doing it. W/E..I'll save the book talk till January. Then Jen, Dahnell, and I went to see Ladder 49 which was actually a lot better than I had thought as I watched the first half of the movie. Totally unpredicted ending...I know it'll definitely touch a lot of the victims and families and heroes of those in 9-11!
Saturday..by far the most interesting day Ive had in a looong time. Corrine and I went to the football game which I am happy to say we won (45-30). Shes a pretty cool girl, definitely different than those in the circle. Making a new friend is always cool, and she drives an awesome truck. Then the poster party was on..we got some posters done. A lot less people than expected showed up though. Hopefully this wont be the trend for the Speak Out and National Coming Out Day. Why can't people just do what they say they are going to do? College kids are definitely not the most reliable people in the world. But nonetheless we got some work done. Then it was off to a party. I dont quite know whose house it was at, but I did have fun. Wore a tie which made me feel freaking HOT!; and at the end its all about the confidence! :o) Got a lil more wasted than I should have and I'm actually not too proud of that but it's actually been a long time since Ive been fucked up. Last time was with Nicole's breakup. I did meet quite a few interesting people. I have to say that Dani is definitely my hero. My source for girl advice..I hope she got home OK. Got home, passed out, woke up without a hang over but a heavy mind, which sucks.
Sunday..Hung out with Corrine. Ran some errands and got some ties! Im sooo excited. I dont know why, but I feel definitely more comfortable in my skin. If it picks up the girls, thats awesome, but this is definitely for me and more "ME". Finally found my cell phone which I had lost the night before, it was in Jessann's car. And now trying to be productive with homework. Need to return some movies, and think I might get "Better than Chocolate". I have reaized something today though. Meeting people online and talking on the phone is just not my thing anymore. It's just not what it used to be; its not interesting; and I definitely dont put as much effort into getting to know the person anymore. I get bored! Wish today was Saturday, Def would like to hang out at UC! Boohoo! It just seems like a lot more realistic.
Lets see what next weekend has in store! I think I'm going to the PSU meeting tomorrow. Seems like it doesnt take too long to get sucked into the circle, and to tell you the truth, I really dont mind it, I enjoy it. Theres more dimensions than "bookselling" and "student" to Jen; and this is helping me be a lot more comfortable in my own skin as a Lesbian! :o)
Current mood: happy
Friday, October 1, 2004
Im back! These journal entries sure do bring back memories. I actually had one of these back in high school which I just let get outdated and for some reason it was taken off the site. Now, I've decided to do it again. It doesnt take too much to realize that the person I am now and the person I was then, are anything but similar.
People say change can be good; and I totally agree. Being off to college I have definitely experienced my share of it. Unfortunately change can also be quite scary; and therefore thats why I believe it takes people time to actually give in to it. I was probably one of the most anti-change people I knew until a couple of years ago. But change happens whether you want it or not, and Ive had my life altering changes since my measely status as a senior in HS.
Well..as most of you know, my father (who I was very close to) passed away 3 yrs ago this Dec 31st. That was probably the beginning of the roller coaster I have been riding on for the last 3 yrs. Losing something that was that close to me is by far the toughest thing Ive ever been through. Its like a little piece of who you are is gone, and you can never have it back. No matter how much you would be willing to pay for it, the truth of the matter is that the only thing left are the memories. I do miss him; but I know I'll see him soon.
Another life altering experience has to be what my friends call "torture". Ive spent the last 2 full summers of my human life building character through experiences that have opened my mind up tremendously and have made me realize how good Ive had it. This sounds crazy; but in 6 months of my life I have come in contact with over 5000 people one on one. I've been in the business of direct selling; door to door; for 80 hours a week. Spending over 80 hrs alone, experimenting with life and the chemicals that compose a human history, coupled with the hard core emotions that the heart is exposed to, can be the most eye opening experiences of a lifetime. Let me just say that if I had never done this, I would not be the person I am today or the person my friends enjoy!
Change is good; it makes you a fuller person. Its like a glass that is filled, and every little experience or person fills that empty glass we are handed on our birth day. Some events fill the glass up with more liquid than others; some actually even throw some color in there. At the end the question is..Are you happy with your masterpiece? Therefore there were some ingredients I felt I had to add in there before I continued mixing. At the age of 19 I couldnt force myself to be in denial any longer and I came out as a lesbian. Something I have to say that I am extremely proud I did; and someone I am extremely proud I am. Even with all the gay issues; I enjoy this life and who I am. Coming out had to be one of the hardest things because of the possible rejection and humiliation; but one of the first steps I had to take to commence my soul searching which is still occurring.
Funny how we can all have such different stories; and yet we're webbed so close together, and truth of the matter is that without someone who loves us in our lives we feel like we are not worthy! But that's enough deep thinking for the night. I'm going to try and not only write my daily feelings and happenings on this screen but actually let this be my outlet of thought. Whomever wants to read and comment on it is more than welcomed; my life is an open book. Ive learned that there is no reason for holding anything back!
Current mood: contemplative
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